19 Things Ain’t Nobody Got Time For

written by Miss Lesley Kelz | Squidpress.ca

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Pinterest is a tool for collecting and organizing things you love.
Yet will never in this lifetime DO, HAVE, or ATTAIN.

Don’t get me wrong. I have squandered , which kind of makes Pinterest an open market for a cascade of these little gems.

But there is a million and one miles between pinned and done.

I have no problem with the idea stage, knowing full well I may never do 98%. I’m content with the 2%. In a life of monotony mother/slave hood, I,  like millions of others take solace in the act of pinning our little ideas of a perfect life we may one day have after the mountain of laundry is washed, dried, folded (never completely put away), the vacuuming is complete, the lunches are made, the lawn is cut, the flower beds are weeded, that litter is de-clumped, the animals fed, etc., etc, and lets not forget our “quality time” with spouse and with each child. There is absolutely no shame in hiding in a closet and pinning a few things. Pinterest is an attainable fantasy world where we can escape our current shithole to live in a world where fitted sheets are folded with nary a wrinkle, cupcakes are topped in a perfect swirl of sweetness, and kitchens gleam in spacious glory. However the fantasy screeches to a halt everytime I see some insanely over the top pins that no one should waste their time every attempting.

I like to call them:

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Laundry Room Makeovers

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What’s in your laundry room? Mine contains a bucket of lint, sticky bottles of soaps and detergents, missing socks (they gotta be somewhere in there right?), and always ALWAYS there is laundry in it. Either in dirty pile and on the floor, being washed, hanging, or in the dryer. The missing piece in each of these perfect laundry rooms. Actual laundry! And a chandelier?? Please!


Keep Calm Signage

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Originally created during the Second World War in Britain. It wasn’t seen by many at the time and those that did found it patronizing and divisive. Fast forward to 2000 and some old fart finds one in his attic, dusts it off and plunks it up on the wall of his shop in merry ole England. The world latches on and every bastardization of this sign that can be thought has. So stop it!


Pin Now Do Later

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The pin of death. Pin now read later, pin now for later… news flash! There is no later. If you aren’t taking the time to look further now you will never actually do this. “pin now do later”‘s hairy second cousin “I am SOOO doing this!” (psst no you’re not)


Pallet Furniture

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I must admit I’m hooked on this stuff. I’m all about upcycing old crap into shiny and useful… well crap. Most of the creations actually look great too. But have you ever looked closely at a pallet? The ratio of wood to nails is relative. If you have a weekend set aside primarily to yank nails, then be my guest. I am super eco… i hate to waste and throw stuff out if there is a use for it, however time is also a precious commodity so forgetaboutit!


Uber Patriotism

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Hate to pick on Americans but that flag of theirs is vers-a-tile. Those stars and stripes go from cupcakes to cutoffs in no time.


Cheesy Family Decor

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I have this thing with how people display their family pictures, wedding pics, etc. I generally feel that the bigger the self portrait, the bigger the ego. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but like PDA, it’s not about your family or how much you love the person you are with, it’s about the impression you are trying to portray to any witnesses. This is magnified when there are actually copy that guests cannot help but to read about how much You love YOUR family. Yes I know! We all love our family. And if we didn’t then they would generally not be living here.


Pregnancy Decor for Nursery

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Not that your newborn would even notice or for that matter spend more than a few minutes a day get his bum wiped in the nursery. But honestly? A bloated, headless torso in a tutu or one painted to resemble a ladybug or frog? (seriously go check out the frog one, complete with the boobs as bulging eyes) Slightly less creepy are the framed sonograms. I say slightly because most of the time you can barely tell the grainy image is human. My question – how long does this shit stay up? Toddlerhood? Preschool? By Preteen they can use the torso as a chipbowl. Pin THAT!


Throw Away Kids Crafts

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Kids should create. Art supplies should always be available, kids should always have the freedom to create. And it will suck. They don’t need us grownups help to suck at art. it’s not so much the sucking as it is the creation of garbage.


Whoopi Cable Storage

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Whoever put this together needs a hobby, however it did make me LOL and there’s always time for that.


Miniature Everything

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Adorable! So sweet I may throw up a little. Teeny weeny wine bottle with 2 teensy glasses, tiny cheery pies made of gawd knows what, and the minuscule purses with microscopic pearls… oops, yup I threw up. Who makes these things? And what possesses them? I am all for art and creation but the point of art is seeing it and these things are so small they are almost invisible.


Sensory Play for Kids

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I just don’t get this category. Everything a kid touches is sensory. We use to just call this stuff playdouugh or fingerpaints or a sandbox. The stuff in these pins just look like a mess for mom to mop up after 20 minutes of setup and 5 seconds of “sensory play” Ef that!


Bento Box Lunches

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Loooong gone are the days of PB and J between 2 slabs of wonderbread, a twinkie, and an apple in my Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox, The fat thermos of milk jammed up inside that hinged lid. It’s a new era of boomerang lunches and peanut-free options and quinoa salads. But never did it cross my mind to cut out bread into hello kitty or arrange fruits and veg into the face of the Lorax (complete with a pimento nose).


Painted Inside Drawers

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Would anyone who painted the inside of their dresser drawers ever go about leaving drawers hanging open for guests to happen upon? No!


Chopped T-Shirts

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I’ve up-cycled my share of T-shirts. Cutting, stitching, embellishing, modifying. But I generally ended up with a shirt (or garbage).


Gift Wrapping on Steroids

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Why bother, they are just going to rip it open. The other day, we went to a party for a 38 year old and dumped his gift in an old baby gift bag we had that had a rubber duck on it. He didn’t bat an eye.